|
[18 Dec 2006|08:36pm] |
|
things suck. things are really good. things are terrible. things are fantastic. things are confusing. i wish all i ever had to think about or worry about was theatre.
|
|
|
[11 Dec 2006|07:01am] |
|
yesterday made everything more intense. my need to miss school but not be able to do so, squeakie :), renegade >:0, Eddie and I's bestfriendship, my love for mcdonald's, and that's about it, i think. yesterday. how to explain yesterday? eddie and i died and came back to life, we almost made a circle-ish thing, gave david a bit of company, threw up for the first time in 5 years, had a journey. that's it! yesterday, eddie and i had a journey. and now, i have school house rock rehearsal. tomorrow's the show, i'm so excited. we have rehearsal early and we are doing it for elementary kids, which means no school :)!!
|
|
| a lack of color |
[04 Dec 2006|08:06pm] |
rehearsal was cool today. ACTUALLY snapped. REALLY yelled. FINALLY made people shut the fuck up. so now, i'm doing a good job. mariah saw me looking at her when she was talking, and she shut up before i even said anything. one bad thing, brianna talked back when i told her to start singing so that i could her hear, cus i sweartogod i couldn't tell if she was moving her lips or not. oh, and azn kinda got cocky with me before rehearsal, but i let it go cus that was the first time i have gotten on her for anything. tomorrow's gonna be fun, kids running chairs :)
anyway.
all of my insecurities are coming back, and i'm scared. i don't know if squeakie will be able to handle it. fuck, i don't know if I'LL be able to handle it. when i feel this way, i run to the people who know how to make me feel amazing, and there's noone that would be right to run to at this point in time.
and now that i think about it, life would have been better without you.
|
|
| Everything I Once Had. |
[03 Dec 2006|07:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
"The bar on 1st Avenue, we went there solely for you
So you can flirt with my best friend"
it's really almost depressing how true that is when it comes to sarah and i's relationship.
updates;
thanksgiving break was fun, watched movies every night. hung out with eddie pretty much every day. good thanksgiving. hung out with sarah, flatout messed around. i still really had feelings for her, still do, and i was really considering giving her another chance, but she told me she didn't have any feelings for eddie, and i knew the whole time that she did. sad thing is, i never got jealous of anyone while sarah and i went out, except for eddie, my best friend. because, hello! it's sarah &eddie, they're bound to flirt. so, once again, my trust issues shined through, and i GIVE UP on sarah. i don't understand why she can't jump off both horses. we all know it won't work out with either me or eddie, and i'm a girl, so if she keeps up this flirtatiousness with me, i'll react like a girl would. so, week after thnxgiving break was nice. got sound for el matador all next week :) did sound for united we dance, and rehearsal is still going well. show's in a week & a half, i'm excited.
I think I'm going to stop going by potentiality to make me happy, over looking at what's there, and what they are. you know? like, i saw potential in sarah to be great to me, but she wasn't. i saw potential in barbara to be great to me, but for the most part, she wasn't. i saw potential in jerrika to make me happy, and to stick to her word about being over derrick, but she didn't. i mean, i don't regret any of them. it was good while it lasted, but... i do in a way. it's hard to explain. another thing is, i want to wait, from now on. i want to go slow. i mean, i've waited 2 years for squeakie, and now it's FINALLY happening, it's amazing. i can't see me & her messing around or making out, just playing around, looking at christmas lights, having movie nights with azn on saturdays, tickling eachother, holding hands, and just enjoying each other's presence. little things, and that's what i want. that's what i need, i'm 15 years old, i don't exactly need sex. i told sarah about it earlier, and how we didn't even kiss or anything, and i guess sarah's a rusher, well i know she is, but she was like "hahaha cute?" all sarcastic. upset me a tad, but on the other hand, i don't really care.
^just about as close as we got all night, it was perfect.
|
|
|
[19 Nov 2006|03:28pm] |
|
building another wall.
|
|
|
[14 Nov 2006|07:58am] |
|
yeah dude, i'm happy. mostly. and i guess that's what counts. we laughed, we made noises, we kissed, it was great. probably the best first date i've ever experienced. probably the most comfortable i've ever been with someone i've known for a week or so. i'm doing this with no walls, no barriers. this is gonna be fun!
|
|
|
[08 Nov 2006|11:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 giggly |
] |
RECAP;
found out barbara had been lying to me about being with anybody (she was with shane.) that was a few weeks ago. i thought maybe i'll give her another chance, but then etc. etc. barbara is barbara, so last night i found out that she was talking to 2 other people around "trying her hardest no matter what anyone else thought" to get back with me. so, i decided, fuck that, once and for ALLLLL. somehow she has this idea in her head that i said i'd give her another chance, whatever. so back it up to saturday, i met jerrikaaadsfh! and katy, and hung out with everyone else that matters. also got in trouble. well, yeah things are confusing with a girl whose name starts with an "s", probably not who you think it is. jerrika and i just got off the phone not too long ago, she called back but i missed it :(! school house rock is going really well, but the only thing is; i feel like i never see eddie ever now. that makes me sad. during blood wedding, we were always together, now i don't feel like that's the way it is anymore, mostly cus it's not. i'm always staying after school till 7 & coming home tired, not wanting to do too much of anything.
and i decided, NO MORE CHEATERS. NONE allowed in my "love life", whether they cheat on someone else with me, or i hear about them cheating on someone else, etc. especially if they say they "love" the person they cheat on. yeah dude, just making that clear.
yeah dude, it's pretty cool now.
|
|
| SDJKGAH |
[19 Oct 2006|07:18am] |
|
KSLADGHAKLSJGHLKJSDHKLASJHALKSJDGHKJSLDGH THE PLAY'S TONIGHT.
|
|
|
[04 Oct 2006|10:45pm] |
i don't know what i want anymore. everytime i go for what i think is right, it feels wrong, or something messes up, or i'm just unhappy.
i feel alone, like there's noone there, at all.
|
|
|
[03 Oct 2006|11:10pm] |
|
i guess i'm not supposed to think about her.
|
|
| "you're in love with a girl that doesn't exsist anymore." |
[15 Sep 2006|08:00am] |
|
the worst thing i've ever been told. so, me & barbara aren't going to talk for a month. which i don't see working out, except, she's leaving to southwest sometime next week. thank god. i'm going through hell. it hurts not being good enough for someone who was always more than enough. today we are scheduled to have our last kiss, before 2nd period. i hate her. being without her and feeling like it's actually for good this time, is the hardest thing i've ever been put through. she's going to regret this, she really will.
|
|
|
[14 Sep 2006|09:11pm] |
words i should learn to live by;
"live through this, and you won't look back."
|
|
|
[14 Sep 2006|07:41am] |
everything's mixed up right now, not just relationship-wise.. i know exactly what i want, but i don't know how to get it. i know exactly what i don't want, but i can't figure out how to lose it. i know exactly how i want to be, but i can't seem to do it. it sucks, and i've realized my days are just a bland, vague pattern. maybe since barbara is actually going to be at school, today will be a bit different. and now that i sucked diego & victoria into theatre, i might have some more fun there. and maybe since i'm working with paul in tech, it'll be a bit different.
oh, so barbara's going to southwest prep to get her ged, i don't know when. can't say i'm not upset. i wish so badly that i wasn't, but the truth is, i am. i'm gonna miss her more than anything. maybe this is needed, so i can get the fuck over her already. i feel like we're not done yet, and i don't want to start anything with anyone till i feel like barbara and i are done for good. i still feel like i haven't exactly gotten the relationship i wanted, faithfull-ness-wise and attention/appreciation-wise. i feel like there's more, and that i'll be fully satisfied with looking back at our relationship in a few years.
school's going horribly. i'm failing almost everything, one A, tech, of course. i went to tutoring for geometry, and i just realized i forgot to do my homework last night. i was actually doing stuff @ rehearsal yesterday. i need to go to spanish & english tutoring. i have like, a 20 in each class. i don't know how. health, i haven't turned anything in. i hate that fucking class, with a passion. history, i have like a 70 in. biology, i have a zero in, only because i got my schedule changed and my old bio teacher hasn't set my new bio teacher my grades yet.
well, it's morning, i'm up, and i need to wait for abe, and brush my teeth.
|
|
| want, desire, need, apathy |
[11 Sep 2006|03:11pm] |
when you want something for a long time, and get so close to it, but you don't get it, you begin to desire it. this desire grows so strong, that you finally make it happen. this anticipation for getting it made it even better than it would have been a month before, so you like it. you want it again, then you desire it, and you get it. you end up needing it. you need it and want it and desire it for the longest time, then your all around care for it goes away. then, you find the next best thing.
"life is just one big circle."
-david
|
|
|
[09 Sep 2006|04:01pm] |
|
i have so much to say, but no way of saying it. i have so many feelings inside of me, and no right way of expressing them. signals are being sent, and they keep being mixed by things they say. things are being said and done by certian people, and it's beginning to make no sense. everything feels right, but it's not the way things would be in my perfect little world.
|
|
|
[04 Sep 2006|09:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 refreshed |
] |
everything feels good. i feel refreshed, and new. i don't know why, but hanging out with michelle, david, tori, juli, eddie, azn, shelby, zach, lita, and all of them in the past 24 hours has made me feel like i don't have a care in the world. and david's house never fails to make me feel better. don't ask me why, because i don't know.
i guess me & barbara are done, and it's okay. i told my mom every detail about it today without wanting to cry. i'm really nonchalant about it now. i'm doing good, in case any of you guys care.
i guess sarah pretty much hates me as of now. it's not that i don't care, it's that i understand her feeling that way. i'm not bitter, she can talk all the shit she wants, because it makes sense to me. i'd talk shit about me if i were her, so it's okay. i hope she's not bitter, because i love that girl to death, i want to stay friends.
school's been crap, and now that i don't have any relationship problems to worry about, i'm gonna concentrate on schoolwork & studying for at the least a few weeks or so. and i think i'm gonna start spending 3 lunches a week in the library. don't ask why, but i want to read more.
i'm nervous for school tomorrow, to tell you the truth. mainly because of my schedule change. change scares me, but i'm facing everything i've been nervous or scared about now, so i guess i need to get this kind of shit out of the way. i mean, with my schedule 2 days ago, i was set with my lunch crew & everything, so now i have to start over.
things are as good as they can get, considering, and i'm happy with what i have and what i don't have.
|
|
|
[04 Sep 2006|03:42pm] |
|
maturity's been thrown out the window.
|
|
| nothing. |
[02 Sep 2006|02:40pm] |
|
nothing feels the way it should. nothing is anticipated the way it should. nothing is expected the way it should. nothing is wanting to come out the way it should. nothing is going the way it should. maybe i wanted things to go wrong. maybe i wanted to experiment making a decision for something not so it would go right, but wrong.
|
|
|
[02 Sep 2006|12:00am] |
|
i live for those moments where i re-realize why and how much i love my friends. it's not that i forget, i'm just reminded, and i think about how much worse off i'd be without them. i guess if we didn't have those moments, or those points through out the week, then we wouldn't fully appreciate what we have.
|
|
|
[31 Aug 2006|07:53am] |
i'm not exactly moved on, and that's not exactly good, considering. half the time i know what to say, but it's what i shouldn't. the other half, i am just completely at a loss for words. i could just not say anything, but i don't want to be that person. this gets harder and harder every time. i'm not thinking exactly the way i should be, i'm not feeling exactly the way i should be, i'm not saying exactly what i should be.
on a different note, i suck at school. i still haven't done my bio homework, and it's due tomorrow. i pretty much sleep through geometry, and i missed spanish yesterday. health doesn't make ANY sense, whatsoever. tech is the only class i really love to pay attention to. i'm late to history EVERYDAY. english is just too slow for me. oh, and i still don't have my locker OR student id. this week is pretty much the last week for lockers, and i'm so sure that i'm gonna completely forget about it today. i don't get to school early enough to get my id, either.
it is almost 8 in the morning, so i need to get ready.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=91.7){kind=small}
cassdakilla's journal